would it be crazy for me to say life's really turning around now? i'm really excited for the rest of this year and perhaps what lies beyond.i am and will finally able to truly do the things i have always been wanting to do: there is research & hopefully eventually publication, jazzzz singing (really drowning in seas of love), serving and leading a bible study group and most recently, serving (acting and singing) in a musical.honestly never thought that i'll land up in one of the bigger roles cause...i didn't think my acting is anywhere near "good".before i stepped in, all i told myself and prayed that i'll sing my best and as for the acting part of the audition i'll just "see how it goes". for some strange reason, things turned out to be entirely different. i actually did emote for the acting portion (told my cousin that i really felt like i became her during the auditions) but my singing sounded extremely strained and off from the moment i opened my mouth- the worst voice i ever heard myself produce (save for croaky morning voices). i was just expecting a really small role, or a dance role (the audition for that went well, i think) but apparently, He wants me to step up and do something bigger (and more nerve-wrecking).

no matter what, it's really such a blessing to serve and be part of His larger plans. i am still all "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ACT! i only know how to do stupid things with my cousin but not real acting??" still, if He brings me to it, He will see me through it.

anyhow, enough about me. this musical special and relevant in that it explores suffering and of hope, a theme i reckon most will be able to relate to. this is the official website: http://www.lastdaysofrobertwong.com.sg/ do take a look!!
 (and if you happen to see a certain sweaty girl who looks extremely exhausted and dishevelled in one of the pictures, i am letting you know now that i also have a fraternal twin, and she is ugly and her face is there because it is fitting of the whole suffering theme)

what an idyllic circumstance with such an innocuous face
when i was younger, dreams were easy. they bore shapes and strange resemblances to figures and words that turn a happy merry-go-round on themselves.every part that played a hand in "now" never seemed to matter and all that shone was my favourite mashed potato with butter that grandma made.and all that burned in my memory was the fear of losing my mother. yet, by some cruel twist of fate, i was never really a child free of such animalistic desires.you who were selfish, did you not seek to keep others away from your luscious and toxic dreams. i was only a baby, only a child. naive but at least innocent. what selfish greed your inner demons birthed. did you not have any sliver of regret? or did you just laugh it off like it was excusable because others were doing it. As if that makes anything and suddenly everything okay. If i visit you today to cut off your head and smile triumphantly saying,"hey i'm not the only one who takes revenge" would that go very well down your own throat? ... and its sad that my parents think of the world in such simplistic terms when there are just too many undercurrents I see. layers upon layers of pride, of selfishness, of greed, of unhealthy desires. its horrifying to see it in myself too.

It's not okay, it's disgusting.

comments? (besides going off a little too sharp at the humming part) :3

just talked to my mum about something i have never been able to talk to her about without either of us getting angry/bitter about.its really such a burden and relief to be able to share how i really feel, and for her to tell me her side as well.those two years were just so hard and bitter between us but im glad its finally over.

my mum is really one of the greatest people in my life.
and she just really reminded what i need to do to finally feel better again (the answer was simple really).

burning all bridges.

i mean i wish i have got a bigger heart.but you've really pushed me too far this time round and i don't want to waste anymore tears on you.waste of my time, waste of my effort, waste of my tears, waste of my emotions. this just leads over and over to nowhere. and you always have to make me the bigger person out of us - to always do the right thing here.writing you that really long email to explain why i'm deciding to cut off contact with you when you know, i could have (just like some people who have done so to me in the past) blocked you, declined your calls and not reply any of your texts. i decided that fine - i don't know why i'm always so weak towards to (damn it ade) - to write a proper email while crying (again.this is getting so tiring) to explain why we are never going to talk or see each other again.and that will be the last thing im ever doing for you.

love is tiring i swear i wish to be free of all these i think im too sentimental for this world and this life.reckon im too nice to you after things ended and you have to choose the most opportune times to come and say stuff like that to me.like right before my tests or my major research report (yearlong project worth 2 modules + so much late nights+ sacrifices). really w.o.w. swearing never felt so good (though i wish i had been more creative in my choice of words but anyhow.) I JUST WANT TO BE A CAT OKAY. i don't belong to anyone and no one belongs to me but that's fine i'll live in my own world, eat fish, play with interesting things and meow.possibly stalk some musicians idk...make sure i can mew in tune to songs.but that's enough for me.to subsist.